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Rowan Mangan

Writer. Mom. Wild Inventurer.

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The Ani DiFranco Wormhole

February 8, 2023 1 Comment

Dear ones,

Last week, Marty and I stole ourselves a slow weekday afternoon and lay on the bed together, listening to music like we were 19 and had nowhere else to be. One by one, I played her the songs that had shaped me back when I was that aimless teenager. The music slammed me into the frantic and utter love I’d felt for those melodies, those words, those iconic chords. I loved them with every cell in my body. I loved them like they were cells in my body.

Spoiler alert: they were Ani songs. They were always Ani songs.

Indie alt-folk-rock sensation Ani DiFranco was my hero and my guide as I lived out my own little coming of age story. Fiercely feminist and outspoken, Ani is usually referred to whenever some rock journalist decides to write another tired piece about so-called “angry woman music.”

Logo for Ani’s label, Righteous Babe Records

It’s been years since I reconnected with a lot of this music—the stuff I listened to in my earliest emerging adulthood. These songs were the maps for the person I believed I was becoming. I fell SO HARD for Ani: besotted with her intellect, her politics, the richness of her lyrics, her unabashed bisexuality. Above all, I fell in love with her courage. She modeled a take-no-shit attitude that I desperately wanted for myself, and so her songs became my anthems as I took my first awkward steps into this big old world.

This is the kind of attitude I’m talking about. Ani wrote these words when she nineteen, the age I was when I first heard it:

he said ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when i'm approached in a dark alley
i don't lift my skirt

- Ani DiFranco, "Talk to Me Now"

Last Tuesday afternoon I found myself wormholed right back to that time of my life via the muscle memory of this song and its sisters. With the soundtrack of my youth blasting out of my laptop, I moshed and air-guitared around the room, singing along to every word—much to the surprise of my bemused and delighted wife.

I was channeling the shiniest and most energetic moments of being nineteen: dancing, joyful, so alive. Built of courage and certainty.

Ani DiFranco: folksinger, badass

It was a shock to realize how much time I’d let pass since I last last connected with this brave young self. I decided to play my way through Ani’s back catalogue as a way to spend some quality time with that younger me. To be honest, I wanted to see if I could add a little of that old rock n roll vibe into my softer and far less certain 42-year-old self.


So this week as I’ve gone about my days, I’ve been visiting with Ani. I started with her self-titled album from 1990 and as of right now (give or take a few detours), I’m four records in.

It didn’t take long to recognize the mistake I’d made with Marty. When I selected the shiniest, most rock n roll songs to play her, I’d totally misrepresented my own young years. Listening to the albums in their long form reminded me how the arc of a record gives context to the songs. These are historical records after all, and these were made before the days of shuffle and playlists. In choosing some of my favorite songs to play for Marty, I’d unintentionally curated them to tell a story that didn’t actually represent the stories Ani was telling. I took out all the downbeats, removing the context that evokes what it’s like to live through a time as chaotic as our youth.

From the author’s archives

Among the brash and fiesty numbers that had me headbanging in my bedroom are songs that I hadn’t remembered as vividly. As I listened, I noticed an anxiety creeping into my body, a little low-key depression. And then I actually remembered.

Oh yeah. Youth.

Ew.

Thank you for reading Wild Inventures. This post is public so feel free to share it.

I remembered this: to be young is to be raw. Alongside the fire comes all that confusion and heartbreak, the incoherence that laps at the ankles of our certainty. Our total freaking inexperience of people, situations, risk, physics. All those nights spent crying ourselves to sleep over something (or someone) that didn’t warrant it. I was talking to someone about the intensity of those feelings, and she told me about walking barefoot through New York City in her early 20s. She said, “It’s like you can’t feel enough at that age.”

So intense… so youth

Ani describes the intensity this way:

I'll see how close I can get to it
Without giving in
Then I get to rub up against it
Till I break the skin
- Ani DiFranco, "Shameless"

I always seemed to want to break the skin by pushing myself too hard into every experience. But living that hard, so close to the edge, has another side. Put your mind to it and I bet you can remember it as clearly as I can:

i've worn down the treads on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows and the knees of my clothing
and i'm stumbling down the gravel driveway of desire 
trying not to wake up my sleeping self loathing (...)

i am spinning with longing 
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel

- Ani DiFranco, "Wish I May"

Remembering ALL the colors of the heady days instead of just the brightest ones has been a good exercise for me. It’s made me grateful for my middle-aged insulation from that saturated intensity; grateful for the measure of emotional steadiness I’m now gifted with on most days. And especially grateful not to be constantly riding those ferocious emotional highs and lows.

People say “youth is wasted on the young.” I couldn’t disagree more. After the little sensory journey I’ve been on this week, I’d suggest instead that maybe the young are the only ones among us who could POSSIBLY withstand the onslaught of those years. I’ve decided that, for me, youth is a really nice place to visit on a stray Tuesday afternoon… but this softer, older self I now inhabit is happy not to live there anymore.

How about you? What songs or artists are wormholes back to the good ol’ bad ol’ days for you?

Love,

Ro

This article originally appeared on Rowan’s Wild Inventures substack newsletter. To subscribe and get all Rowan’s posts in your inbox, head over to Wild Inventures on substack now. 

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  1. Hlogi says

    February 22, 2023 at 11:34 am

    I know exactly what you mean. I too go on nostalgic wormholes once in a while because of music or songs, recently it was so intense I even wrote a poem about it. This was a lovely read, glad to know I’m not the only one who has these moments

    Reply

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One of the best nights I’ve ever had. My body is One of the best nights I’ve ever had. My body is sore from all the bopping. I feel like so many angsty past versions of myself got to come out and ROCK tonight—and so did my very happy current self on date night with my wife. BASKING. Thank you @anidifranco, and happy birthday!
@themarthabeck @lprnyc #anidifranco #righteousbaberecords
Have you ever tried The “No” Test? Bestselling Have you ever tried The “No” Test? Bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert has, and she tells Martha and Rowan all about it on this episode of Bewildered. The No Test is a way of gauging someone’s reaction when you set a boundary. If the person reacts negatively in any way or pushes back against your “no”—well, that's a bright red flag in the relationship. To find out what happened when Liz tried out The No Test, and the changes she made in her life as a result, be sure to catch the full episode. 

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Current configuration of our ever-wacky, ever-chan Current configuration of our ever-wacky, ever-changing, ever-bewildered household. Ultimate village living. 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶
“What am I serving?” That’s the question to “What am I serving?”

That’s the question to ask yourself, Martha says, when you want to tell the difference between what you’re being pushed to do by the culture, and what you’re being pulled to do by your true nature.

Rowan adds that there are little corners of our personality that are being served all the time, often by mundane work—but “just because it’s not sexy doesn’t mean it’s culture.”

Join Martha and Ro for this episode of Bewildered where they explore the differences between culture and nature when it comes to hard work, and how you can find strength in the struggle.

You can listen to Episode 60: Wild Horses, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

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There are many things that are extremely difficult There are many things that are extremely difficult that we just feel driven to do, like raising a family or pursuing a dream.

“In the service of a dream,” Rowan says, “there is hard work that is going to be part of that journey. And yet, even though the work itself isn't enjoyable, it's still our nature to pursue it.”

Join Martha and Ro for this episode of Bewildered, where they’re talking about the place in our true nature for dogged, determined work—even when it's not fun—and why the struggle is always worth it.

You can listen to Episode 60: Wild Horses, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@themarthabeck
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New spot, same smile ✨✨✨ @themarthabeck New spot, same smile ✨✨✨ @themarthabeck
Have you ever played with one of those cartoon fli Have you ever played with one of those cartoon flipbooks, where you thumb through the pages and the drawing seems to move?

Rowan says that because we're trapped in physical bodies, we experience the flow of change like a flipbook—in incremental progressions that have a jerky, stop-and-start quality of movement

However, that staccato effect is just an illusion because we haven't got a great perspective on what's happening, which in reality is just beautiful, constant flow. 

Tune in for this episode of BEWILDERED® to hear Martha and Ro talk about adjusting your perspective, letting go, and allowing yourself to move with the flow of change.

Listen at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app. 

@bewilderedpodcast
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #strangerthings #australia #koala #wombats #enidblyton #entrepreneur #africa #londolozi #vanlife #costarica #dream #dreambig #waystation
Lil punkin Lil punkin
Why would you be given a dream if you aren’t sup Why would you be given a dream if you aren’t supposed to realize it?

This is a question Martha and Ro are exploring in this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations.

They compare pursuing your big, life-changing “way station dreams” to playing a video game with many levels—there’s always a bit of fear and you’re always going to have to defeat the “big boss” of the game, which is culture. Figuring it out is the fun part.

As Ro says, “You don't always have to spend something to make a way station dream come true, but you do always, always have to risk something—that's being wild.”

Tune in for the full conversation to learn how to overcome cultural obstacles and bravely pursue your wildest dreams. (Spoiler alert: The risk is worth it!)

You can listen to Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #strangerthings #australia #koala #wombats #enidblyton #entrepreneur #africa #londolozi #vanlife #costarica #dream #dreambig #waystation
Have you ever looked back at all the big points, o Have you ever looked back at all the big points, or way stations, along your life’s journey and how they led you to where you are today?

It’s a fascinating exercise, and Martha and Ro are diving into it in this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations.

Martha notes how her life arc took her out of academia, on to business school, to eventually running her own business, to developing a passion for going to Africa, to meeting Rowan there, to having their daughter Lila.

As Rowan jokes, “You taught business school in your 20s because we were going to have a baby to complain about in your 60s.”

Join them for this fun and fascinating episode to explore the idea of way station dreams and how you can recognize the ones that are waiting for you.

You can listen to Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@themarthabeck
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Martha says life is like a game of “you're getti Martha says life is like a game of “you're getting warmer, you're getting colder.” There are dreams that are red hot that pull you toward them, and these become way stations along the journey of your life.

In this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, Martha and Ro explore the idea of way station dreams and how to pursue them despite the huge resistance you’ll get from the culture—which always tries to dash the dreams of the individual.

As Martha says, “Moving from one important way station to another is basically writing the story of your life, so don't let anyone else make that map for you.”

To find out more about how to overcome cultural pressures to plot your own course, be sure to tune in for the full conversation.

You can listen to Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@themarthabeck 
@bewilderedpodcast 
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #strangerthings #australia #koala #wombats #enidblyton #entrepreneur #africa #londolozi #vanlife #costarica #dream #dreambig #waystation
Our culture wants us to segment our deep creativit Our culture wants us to segment our deep creativity into tiny chunks of productivity: 

🕟 Get up at 4:30 and meditate!
🕔 Then gratitude journal!
🕠 Then get on the treadmill!
🕕 Then get your creative work done before anyone else wakes up!

The only problem with this is that we’re human beings…not robots. 

In this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, Martha and Ro explore a seasonal approach that’s more aligned with our wild human nature.

As Martha puts it, “If you're going to do something long term, it has to be something you care about enough to see it through the winter, to let it go fallow.” 

And as Ro points out, when we’re in a fallow period, “we're mending our nets, we’re repairing things, we're doing things inside in front of the fire—we're replenishing ourselves.” 

To hear more about how you can learn to trust the seasonal flow of creativity in your own life, don’t miss the full conversation!

You can listen to Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@bewilderedpodcast
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #vanlife #creative #creativity #bewildfiles #author #authorlife #creativewriting #parentproblems #flow #creativeflow #audrelorde
Are you struggling to focus on a big creative proj Are you struggling to focus on a big creative project amidst a sea of distractions?

Don’t worry, says the culture, you can get it all done if you just have the moxie!

Whether or not you have this so-called moxie is beside the point. As Ro says, only some tasks we need to do are finite and easily checked off our list, while other things are part of what Martha calls the deep, slow river of creativity—a force that can move mountains.

In this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, Martha and Ro talk about how we can make the commitment to stay connected to this river, even when life interferes (because it always will interfere), and stake our claim to a creative life.

Don’t miss it!

You can listen to Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@bewilderedpodcast 
@themarthabeck 
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #vanlife #creative #creativity #bewildfiles #author #authorlife #creativewriting #parentproblems #flow #creativeflow #audrelorde
Every once in a while the stars align and the thre Every once in a while the stars align and the three of us manage to get dinner together in New York. Always the same restaurant. Always the same table.

These nights of laughter and storytelling are like colorful beads I’ve been collecting—a series of perfect evenings strung between years, the breadth of a continent, a pandemic, the birth of children. But we keep coming back, and it’s always just as precious as it was tonight.

Thank you, Maria: you’re such a glowing jewel in our lives. Next stop Croatia! 

@mariashriver @themarthabeck
Goodbye, sweet goof. 💔 Goodbye, sweet goof. 💔
Have you ever tried telling the story of your life Have you ever tried telling the story of your life backwards?

For example, Martha was raised Mormon but then left that faith, and that made her a radical out-of-culture maverick. But describing that in reverse—Martha was meant to be a radical out-of-culture maverick, so she was born Mormon.

It’s interesting to look back from the moment you're in now and see if the seeds of what you love were planted long ago in ways you didn't understand at the time. 

In this episode of Bewildered®, Martha and Ro talk about these seeds as being part of the strange and delicious phenomenon they call “the pull.”

Listen to the full conversation to find out how you can recognize this mysterious force and follow it to create magical shifts in your life.

Listen at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@themarthabeck 
@bewilderedpodcast 
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #trackinglife #thepull #metaphysical #beginnersmind #dreams #vanlife

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