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Rowan Mangan

Writer. Mom. Wild Inventurer.

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On Looking Weird in Public

April 23, 2022 Leave a Comment

Last week, my family faced a scary choice point. We had to decide whether we wanted to be more public about how we live. It was a really vulnerable feeling. As we sat in our living room, talking about whether or not we wanted to do this, I suddenly realized that I’d been luxuriating in a privilege that many folks can only imagine. And of course, it had been completely invisible to me up till now.

Marty got an email from someone who has a very popular podcast. This person is a friend of ours (“close acquaintance” might be more accurate) and so is well aware of our personal situation. Apparently, her listeners had been asking her to do a show about polyamory, and so we’d popped to mind. In the email, our friend asked Marty whether we would talk about our relationship publicly and if so, would we be willing to come on the show.

It was the first time we’d been invited to “represent” this way of life. And that was startling. We aren’t people who are really into “identifying” as stuff. The three of us fell in love, six years ago, without any real understanding of the social categories that would be applied to us as a result.

You can learn about how we fell in love in this clip from our “Bewildered” podcast.

All of us know where we’re weird, right? We’re aware of the places where our identity or lifestyle differs from the cultural mainstream. For us, a big one is the fact that our romantic relationship has three people in it instead of two. We’re a “throuple.”

What’s it like to be in a throuple? Well, it’s as comfy and easy inside our house as it is awkward and strained outside it. We are a very happy family. We have a great rhythm in the house, perpetual joy in each other’s company, and very few resentments or conflicts. When conflict does arise between two of us, we always have a loving referee to help us work through it. You can’t imagine how helpful this last is.

Outside the house, of course, it’s a different gig. I’ve found that we lean into the places where politeness stops people from voicing their confusion. We let those silences be. We rest in letter-of-the-law truths (“Marty is my wife”) that don’t include those pesky spirit-of-the-law truths (“And Karen is my girlfriend”). Since our daughter was born, this has been even more the case. I don’t know what playground cruelty will look like for her.

Anyway, we called a council of war to talk about the VERY generous invitation to go on this podcast. Karen didn’t want to appear on the podcast herself, but we all felt it would be a good thing for Marty and me to do. If we can be part of a conversation that starts to normalize the way we live, we all win, right? Especially Lila, in the long run.

But did we want to be the poster children for polyamory? Honestly, not really. Did we want our names to spring to mind (or spring to Google) when strangers started thinking about polyamory? Hell, no! The fork in the road was about us standing up to be representatives of this way of life, rather than people in the world who happened to live this way.

And that’s when I saw it. My invisible privilege.

Because all privilege is invisible when you have it, right? That’s the whole point of it.

Here are the two flavors of privilege where I’d been blissfully oblivious.

  1. The privilege of CHOICE around whether to reveal the places where I’m different.
  2. The privilege of PRIVACY if I choose not to reveal it.

What happened for Karen and Marty and me last week was we got to decide whether we want to be representatives of this polyamorous lifestyle or relationship type. Because this part of our “minority” identity isn’t apparent to the eye.

What if the interview request was asking us to represent being Black or a POC? What if it was about representing people with visible disabilities? Imagine: “Are you ‘out’ as a person of color?” “Do people know you’re a quadriplegic?”

I don’t have to live my life representing my “weirdness.” I don’t have to think about how I present myself to the world as a polyamorous person. I don’t have to think about how the choices I make in public feed into the culture’s stereotypes or counteract them. I just get to walk around as an able-bodied white lady.

What a freaking gift.

Every time I manage to reveal a layer of invisible privilege that I’ve been enjoying, it takes me further on along the road to real empathy. It’s an imaginative attempt to “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.” (As Billy Connolly once said, “After that, who cares? You’re a mile away and you’ve got their shoes.”)

Of course this attempt will always be partial. I don’t have the machinery to fully imagine someone else’s experience. I still have to ask them to tell me about it. I still have to sit in my own discomfort as I hear what they tell me. There are more hard conversations and confronting realizations ahead. But I have to believe there’s value in flexing the empathic imagination and making the attempt.

This article originally appeared on Rowan’s Wild Inventures substack newsletter. To subscribe and get all Rowan’s posts in your inbox, head over to Wild Inventures on substack now. 

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One of the best nights I’ve ever had. My body is One of the best nights I’ve ever had. My body is sore from all the bopping. I feel like so many angsty past versions of myself got to come out and ROCK tonight—and so did my very happy current self on date night with my wife. BASKING. Thank you @anidifranco, and happy birthday!
@themarthabeck @lprnyc #anidifranco #righteousbaberecords
Have you ever tried The “No” Test? Bestselling Have you ever tried The “No” Test? Bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert has, and she tells Martha and Rowan all about it on this episode of Bewildered. The No Test is a way of gauging someone’s reaction when you set a boundary. If the person reacts negatively in any way or pushes back against your “no”—well, that's a bright red flag in the relationship. To find out what happened when Liz tried out The No Test, and the changes she made in her life as a result, be sure to catch the full episode. 

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Rowan adds that there are little corners of our personality that are being served all the time, often by mundane work—but “just because it’s not sexy doesn’t mean it’s culture.”

Join Martha and Ro for this episode of Bewildered where they explore the differences between culture and nature when it comes to hard work, and how you can find strength in the struggle.

You can listen to Episode 60: Wild Horses, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

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There are many things that are extremely difficult There are many things that are extremely difficult that we just feel driven to do, like raising a family or pursuing a dream.

“In the service of a dream,” Rowan says, “there is hard work that is going to be part of that journey. And yet, even though the work itself isn't enjoyable, it's still our nature to pursue it.”

Join Martha and Ro for this episode of Bewildered, where they’re talking about the place in our true nature for dogged, determined work—even when it's not fun—and why the struggle is always worth it.

You can listen to Episode 60: Wild Horses, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

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New spot, same smile ✨✨✨ @themarthabeck New spot, same smile ✨✨✨ @themarthabeck
Have you ever played with one of those cartoon fli Have you ever played with one of those cartoon flipbooks, where you thumb through the pages and the drawing seems to move?

Rowan says that because we're trapped in physical bodies, we experience the flow of change like a flipbook—in incremental progressions that have a jerky, stop-and-start quality of movement

However, that staccato effect is just an illusion because we haven't got a great perspective on what's happening, which in reality is just beautiful, constant flow. 

Tune in for this episode of BEWILDERED® to hear Martha and Ro talk about adjusting your perspective, letting go, and allowing yourself to move with the flow of change.

Listen at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app. 

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Lil punkin Lil punkin
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They compare pursuing your big, life-changing “way station dreams” to playing a video game with many levels—there’s always a bit of fear and you’re always going to have to defeat the “big boss” of the game, which is culture. Figuring it out is the fun part.

As Ro says, “You don't always have to spend something to make a way station dream come true, but you do always, always have to risk something—that's being wild.”

Tune in for the full conversation to learn how to overcome cultural obstacles and bravely pursue your wildest dreams. (Spoiler alert: The risk is worth it!)

You can listen to Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #strangerthings #australia #koala #wombats #enidblyton #entrepreneur #africa #londolozi #vanlife #costarica #dream #dreambig #waystation
Have you ever looked back at all the big points, o Have you ever looked back at all the big points, or way stations, along your life’s journey and how they led you to where you are today?

It’s a fascinating exercise, and Martha and Ro are diving into it in this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations.

Martha notes how her life arc took her out of academia, on to business school, to eventually running her own business, to developing a passion for going to Africa, to meeting Rowan there, to having their daughter Lila.

As Rowan jokes, “You taught business school in your 20s because we were going to have a baby to complain about in your 60s.”

Join them for this fun and fascinating episode to explore the idea of way station dreams and how you can recognize the ones that are waiting for you.

You can listen to Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #strangerthings #australia #koala #wombats #enidblyton #entrepreneur #africa #londolozi #vanlife #costarica #dream #dreambig #waystation
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In this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, Martha and Ro explore the idea of way station dreams and how to pursue them despite the huge resistance you’ll get from the culture—which always tries to dash the dreams of the individual.

As Martha says, “Moving from one important way station to another is basically writing the story of your life, so don't let anyone else make that map for you.”

To find out more about how to overcome cultural pressures to plot your own course, be sure to tune in for the full conversation.

You can listen to Episode 58: Dream Dashers and Way Stations, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@themarthabeck 
@bewilderedpodcast 
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #strangerthings #australia #koala #wombats #enidblyton #entrepreneur #africa #londolozi #vanlife #costarica #dream #dreambig #waystation
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🕟 Get up at 4:30 and meditate!
🕔 Then gratitude journal!
🕠 Then get on the treadmill!
🕕 Then get your creative work done before anyone else wakes up!

The only problem with this is that we’re human beings…not robots. 

In this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, Martha and Ro explore a seasonal approach that’s more aligned with our wild human nature.

As Martha puts it, “If you're going to do something long term, it has to be something you care about enough to see it through the winter, to let it go fallow.” 

And as Ro points out, when we’re in a fallow period, “we're mending our nets, we’re repairing things, we're doing things inside in front of the fire—we're replenishing ourselves.” 

To hear more about how you can learn to trust the seasonal flow of creativity in your own life, don’t miss the full conversation!

You can listen to Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@bewilderedpodcast
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #vanlife #creative #creativity #bewildfiles #author #authorlife #creativewriting #parentproblems #flow #creativeflow #audrelorde
Are you struggling to focus on a big creative proj Are you struggling to focus on a big creative project amidst a sea of distractions?

Don’t worry, says the culture, you can get it all done if you just have the moxie!

Whether or not you have this so-called moxie is beside the point. As Ro says, only some tasks we need to do are finite and easily checked off our list, while other things are part of what Martha calls the deep, slow river of creativity—a force that can move mountains.

In this episode of BEWILDERED®, Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, Martha and Ro talk about how we can make the commitment to stay connected to this river, even when life interferes (because it always will interfere), and stake our claim to a creative life.

Don’t miss it!

You can listen to Episode 57: The Deep, Slow River of Creativity, access the show notes, and find links to resources on our website at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

@bewilderedpodcast 
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #vanlife #creative #creativity #bewildfiles #author #authorlife #creativewriting #parentproblems #flow #creativeflow #audrelorde
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These nights of laughter and storytelling are like colorful beads I’ve been collecting—a series of perfect evenings strung between years, the breadth of a continent, a pandemic, the birth of children. But we keep coming back, and it’s always just as precious as it was tonight.

Thank you, Maria: you’re such a glowing jewel in our lives. Next stop Croatia! 

@mariashriver @themarthabeck
Goodbye, sweet goof. 💔 Goodbye, sweet goof. 💔
Have you ever tried telling the story of your life Have you ever tried telling the story of your life backwards?

For example, Martha was raised Mormon but then left that faith, and that made her a radical out-of-culture maverick. But describing that in reverse—Martha was meant to be a radical out-of-culture maverick, so she was born Mormon.

It’s interesting to look back from the moment you're in now and see if the seeds of what you love were planted long ago in ways you didn't understand at the time. 

In this episode of Bewildered®, Martha and Ro talk about these seeds as being part of the strange and delicious phenomenon they call “the pull.”

Listen to the full conversation to find out how you can recognize this mysterious force and follow it to create magical shifts in your life.

Listen at the link in our bio—or on your favorite podcasting app.

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@bewilderedpodcast 
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#bewildered #bewilderedpodcast #podcast #podcastersofinstagram #wayfinder #wayfinderlifecoach #rowanmangan #marthabeck #naturenotculture #funny #funnypodcast #funnypodcasts #themarthabeck #trackinglife #thepull #metaphysical #beginnersmind #dreams #vanlife

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